To My Brother
To my brother.
To the brother that I dressed up in a Cinderella costume. The one that put boogers in my hair. Annoyed me throughout countless car rides. Always dribbled a basketball on the ceiling above my room.
To the brother that hated any clothing except basketball shorts and dry fit shirts. The one that threw fits because of “pokies” in his socks. Could never walk past a sports store without stopping to look at the sneakers. Sported a killer sock tan from his many, many ankle socks.
To the brother that could make anyone laugh. The one that dubbed choco-crèmes “chocolate balls.” Put fake numbers in my phone with names like “poop face.” Had a killer selfie game, especially when given his sister’s phone, a volleyball, and a bathroom mirror. Tried to grow a man bun but ended up with a man sprig.
To the brother that was way too hard on himself. The one that was so stubborn, he once spent 2 hours straight teaching himself to shuffle cards. Sported a crazy face in every picture, but whose smile lit up a room. Had such passion for sports, friends, and family. Constantly bugged me to let him drive my car in sport mode.
To the brother that cared so deeply about others. The one that was amazing with kids; they seemed to follow him, but he never minded much. Saw the people that others simply walked past and lifted them up. Spent time with anyone and everyone, no matter what society thought of them.
To the brother that loved his big sister. The one that went shopping with me in JoAnn Fabrics, giving me opinions on what to buy, even though there was a Dunham’s right next door. Asked our dad every 10 minutes of a car ride if they could meet up with me for dinner. Talked to me about life, leadership, girls; faith. And never, no matter how old he got, no matter who was around, stopped giving me giant, 6’ 4” bear hugs every time one of us left the other.
To the brother that turned to Jesus in his hardest times. The one that, of his own accord, dug out a cross necklace from our closet and wore it to school, unashamed. Wanted those he loved to know about having a relationship with Jesus. Showed the love of God in the way he treated all around him.
To my brother.
Jacob, I cannot believe it has been a year since I last talked to you, smelled your personal blend of cologne; felt your long arms hug me. It feels like you left us just yesterday and a million years ago all at the same time. Life has moved forward, even though I felt like it should have stopped a year ago today. Claire won homecoming queen, she and I both graduated; Caroline and Kathryn made it to the state championship. Every big moment and small moment in between, we came together as a family, sometimes laughing, sometimes crying, sometimes both, celebrating and missing you all at the same time.
While this can only be called the worst year of our lives, by God’s grace alone, I can look back and say that there was joy amidst the sadness. Because of the impact you had here on earth, people were baptized, committing their lives to Jesus. They surrendered themselves to Him, getting involved in church, loving others well; proclaiming the gospel during a public high school graduation. I got to lead one of our cousins to Jesus on your birthday last year. Jesus has shown Himself faithful to us, every day of this long, hard year.
I miss you. Every day. I’m walking away from my first year without you with a heart that still aches, eyes that still well up with tears, and a deeper hope in the resurrection of Jesus than I ever had before. And, I guess, it’s okay to still have both sadness and joy in my heart. Everything is not fixed; there are still many days I struggle with fear. But, on the days when I don’t think I’ll make it for missing you, I cry out to Jesus with the words of a father desperate to have faith, “I believe, help my unbelief.” And, bubba, Jesus is meeting me there.
I will always miss you, as long as I draw breath on this earth. But I know, one day, I’ll see the face my Jesus who has never left my side, and I’ll feel your big arms around me again, welcoming me home. And until then, I will live in the purpose God has set before me; committing all my days to proclaiming the hope of Christ to a lost and hurting world.
I love you.
Megan